Massey College Alumni Association--Massey lexicon

Massey College Alumni Association

Why is this page here, on the alumni site? Well...it wasn't anywhere else, and it was probably high time someone created it. Some of these terms are universal; some are recent additions to Massey vocabulary; some have fallen out of common usage but are amusing enough that we have included them anyway.

Terms Masseyites Use All the Time Without Even Realising How Strange They Are

Administrator: The Officer of the College in charge of the Journalism Fellowship Programme and a number of other things that probably have something to do with some sort of administration, though we've got to admit that we have no idea what they are.

Alumnus/Alumna/Alum: A former member of the Massey community. Massey alumni are scattered all over the globe; those still in Toronto sometimes throw mildly successful parties involving hamburgers, chocolate, and/or beer. The body that represents the alumni is known as the Alumni Executive. Alumni can be recognised by their hungry expressions and unpaid student loans.

Bar: The Magical Land that lives beyond the JCR and can only be entered by Fellows who do not know its doorway is th--wait, no, that's Narnia. The bar is actually in the JCR and is, well, a bar. It is open between 5:00 and 11:00 p.m. on most weekdays.

Bar Steward: The staff member who benevolently dispenses alcohol on credit. He can be found in the JCR bar on most weekday evenings.

Batcouch: The "back couch" in the Puffy Couch Room. Ironically, it is generally the Puffy Couch, not the Batcouch, that is "holey."

Black Hole: A realm in Massey conversation in which everything is possible and nothing is real. A black hole is created when a conversation that has started out simply bouncing madly from subject to subject becomes hyper-real; it strays from the realm of what most would ordinarily consider common sense while still seeming completely logical to those involved in it. People just outside the black hole think the people inside it are insane. Some Masseyites are "vectors" who attract or create black holes, especially when in the presence of other vectors. The only way to destroy a black hole is to mention its existence.

Bursar: The Officer of the College in charge of hunting down delinquent Fellows and alumni and prying long-overdue cheques from their trembling fingers.

Bursar's Secretary: The staff member in charge of dealing with the results of the Bursar's hunting expeditions, which often cause traumatised young people to creep into the Secretary's office and hand her most of their pocket change.

Caterer: The staff member in charge of food and room bookings at the College. She is the reason 1) Massey's food is possibly the best at the university and 2) the College common areas are almost always being used by outsiders holding book launches, departmental parties, and weddings.

CITA Fellow: An astrophysicist associated with the Canadian Institute for Theoretical Astrophysics. CITA Fellows live at the College from anywhere from a few days to a few months; many do not take part in College life, but some do, with enthusiasm. CITA Fellows can be recognised by the world-weary expressions that appear on their faces when people call them "astrologers."

Coffee House: An event, typically held in November, at which Masseyites can 1) demonstrate their many talents in front of their peers and 2) drink free beer until they pass out. Coffee Houses habitually run for three or four hours and end when everyone attempts to lynch the MC.

Director of the Office of the Master: The staff member who is in charge of the Master's schedule and thus has an insane amount of power. He could probably take over the world if he wanted to do so.

Donkeys: The Don keys (i.e., keys held by the Don of Hall). The donkeys join the College squirrels, raccoons, mice, ducks, dogs, mourning doves, cicadas, skunks, ants, silverfish, albino spiders, and centipedes (brrr...those centipedes) as part of the Massey Menagerie.

Don of Hall: The head of Massey's student government. The Don is elected in the spring, repents in the summer, and reluctantly accepts his/her fate in the fall.

The Elvis: The Elvis is a decrepit plaster bust that shows up at Massey events (he has even met Prince Philip) and gets stolen a lot. More information about the Elvis can be found here.

Elvisina: Elvis's girlfriend. Elvisina originally modelled either hats or wigs; now she is the official mascot of the Massey non-resident Junior Fellows. Like her more famous boyfriend, she gets stolen a lot.

Fellow: A member of the College. A Fellow can be of the Senior (a professor or other "important" person), Junior (a graduate or professional student), CITA (an astrophysicist who will probably only be around for a few weeks), or Journalism (a, er, journalist) variety. Some live in the College; others shiver despondently outside its gates.

Froofy: A well-dressed person, not necessarily affiliated with the College, who is using the JCR/dining hall/Upper Library/etc. for some sort of event. Froofies can be benign (eg.: "There are froofies in the JCR again") or malignant (eg.: "That froofy just made me give up my spot at the lunch table so he could sit with his friend" [true story]). The word "froofy" can, in its various permutations, be a noun ("a froofy"), an adjective ("that froofy person"), an adverb ("she looked at me froofily just there"), or a verb ("oh, stop froofing!"). Probable origin: corruption of the term "frou-frou."

Gaudy: A celebration. The College has three, including the Founders' Gaudy (dedicated to the founders of the College), the Christmas Gaudy (a Christmas concert to which Senior Fellows come in droves), and the Fellows' Gaudy (at which Fellows of the College, er, celebrate themselves). The Feast for the Founding Master, which involves the reading of one of Robertson Davies' Massey ghost stories, also has gaudy-like qualities.

Ghosts: 1) The fictional creations of Robertson Davies; their tales are detailed in High Spirits, a collection of Davies' Massey ghost stories. 2) The real and actual College ghosts. Activity has been witnessed in the Lower Library and in room V:7. At least two members of the alum board can give genuine eyewitness accounts of the Massey ghosts, though people tend not to believe them when they do.

Hepatitis Cup: One of three germ-laden goblets passed around the dining hall during the Founders' Gaudy. Each participant in the ritual speaks the words "Floreat domus Massiensus" [May the house of Massey flourish] just before s/he quaffs what is usually a copious amount of wine, then passes the Cup to his/her neighbour. No one is entirely sure whether the pale, ill-looking people who wander the College corridors for a good week afterwards are suffering from exposure to germs or exposure to alcohol, but the effect is the same either way.

High Table: A special dinner, held every fortnight, that lasts for at least two hours and involves special guests, good food, free wine, and quite a few rather long speeches.

Hopping John/Limping Susan/Screaming Fred: A dish, typically served at lunch, that is probably best described as a rice-and-bean medley containing bits of whatever you ate for dinner last night. The many creative names given to this dish do not disguise it very well. If your meal has a proper name and seems to be indulging in speech and/or physical activity, you probably already met it yesterday.

JCR: See Junior Common Room.

JF: See Junior Fellow.

Journalism Fellow: A journalist on a year-long sabbatical from his/her regular job so that s/he can take courses at U of T and become immersed in the Massey community. Many of these journalists are a great deal of fun and participate enthusiastically in any and all events involving alcohol. Journalism Fellows can be recognised by their knack for prose and their rapport with the Massey bartender.

Junior Common Room (JCR): The lounge in which Masseyites relax, read the newspaper, and get busted for talking loudly on their cell phones. Students habitually gather in the JCR just before and just after dinner. However, on many days, the room is booked for various non-Massey-related events, and the JFs are reduced to huddling in the foyer and glaring balefully through the windows. The JCR contains a small bar that is open on weekday evenings.

Junior Fellow (JF): A resident or non-resident student member of the Massey community. Junior Fellows can be recognised by the gowns they wear to dinner and the fact that they speak mostly in code.

Keeper of the Elvis: The Junior Fellow deemed most worthy by last year's Keeper to, well, keep the Elvis (see definition above). A list of Massey's Elvis Keepers can be found on two wooden tablets hanging in the Puffy Couch Room (see definition below).

Librarian: The Officer of the College in charge of the College libraries. The Librarian and her Assistant mind the College's extensive collection of books and give the Look of Death to denizens of the Lower Library who make the mistake of eating and/or talking on cell phones in view of the library offices.

Lionel Massey Fund (LMF): The College's social committee. The LMF was once a fund, but it ran out of money years ago and now survives on an annual Junior Fellow levy. The committee organises community-oriented events, sends out community-oriented announcements, and spends quite a lot of dough on beer.

LL: See Lower Library.

LMF: See Lionel Massey Fund.

Lower Library (LL) or Robertson Davies Library: The library in Massey's basement. It is called the Lower Library for obvious reasons and the Robertson Davies Library because Robertson Davies was Massey's first Master and donated numerous books to the College way back when. On entering the LL, Masseyites often rub the nose of the Robertson Davies bust located just outside the library's doors. Rubbing the nose is supposed to bring one good luck, but as far as we can tell, all it has ever really done is give RD's nose an attractive silvery sheen.

Low Table: An event that takes place after High Table, usually in one or two Junior Fellow rooms. Low Tables feature a great deal of alcohol and often result in participants losing all ability to speak in English and/or remember where they happen to live.

Massey Bull: 1) The College mascot, whose image can be found over the east gate. 2) A satirical online publication that mocks the community shamelessly and is, in its turn, mocked shamelessly by the community.

Masseyite: A member of the Massey community. A Masseyite can be a resident Junior Fellow, a non-resident Junior Fellow, a Senior Fellow, a Journalism Fellow, a Senior Resident, a Quadrangler, an Officer, a staff member, or an alum who just won't go away.

Master: Massey's headmaster...sort of like Professor Dumbledore without the magic or the long white beard. He is the public face of the College, and he gets lots and lots of stripy bits on his gown.

Molly Bloom: The Master's Irish Terrier. She chases squirrels, barks every time the bell rings, and, for some reason, occasionally takes part in the Murder Game.

Murder Game: A glorified game of tag that takes place annually in January or February and involves between forty and sixty members of the College attempting to kill each other for sport. During the Murder Game, it becomes clear which Fellows are actually sociopaths (generally the ones who start the game by saying, "Oh, I'm not taking it seriously; I plan to die tonight," then go on to lose all sense of perspective, stab their friends in the back, and win).

Officer: The Bursar, the Registrar, the Librarian, and the Administrator are all Officers of the College; they are the ones who keep the place running more or less smoothly. Except not on weekends.

Pavlov Club: The people who lurk in the JCR for at least fifteen minutes before the lunch bell rings, then run madly up the stairs in order to be first in line at the servery.

PCR: See Puffy Couch Room.

Porter: The Keeper of the Gates. The porter knows where everything is, how everything works, and why everything goes mad every time the drain in the kitchen backs up.

Puffy Couch Room (PCR): The nook in the Massey basement where burned-out Masseyites go to watch TV, play pool or ping-pong, and swear at the vending machines. This nook contains a couch that happens to be puffy, as well as a newer piece of furniture sometimes known as the Batcouch (i.e., the Back Couch, only cooler). Officially, the Puffy Couch Room is called the Choir Room, though nobody seems to know why. The term "Puffy Couch Room" was coined by Michael McGillion.

Quadrangler: A member of the Quadrangle Society, a philanthropic organisation affiliated with Massey. Every year, each Quadrangler is matched up with a Junior Fellow; the pair has dinner together at least twice. Quadranglers can be recognised by their nice clothes and their tendency to appear at Massey on the first Monday of every month (no, really).

Registrar: The Officer of the College in charge of being in charge. The Registrar deals with applications, registration, locker and carrel allotment, and approximately ten thousand other things, including gossip.

Remember Ron Thom, Architect: What Masseyites habitually say when windows leak/toilets explode/lamps refuse to give light/chairs destroy spines/bathroom doors stick shut/fireplaces spew smoke throughout dinner/drains back up and send rancid cooking oil oozing all over the kitchen floor/tables spontaneously combust/etc. See the bottom of this lexicon for further thoughts on Mr. Thom.

Robe: The article of clothing each Massey Fellow is obliged to wear to formal dinners. The robe features a rosette and odd trailing bits on its sleeves. Junior Fellows of yesteryear have avowed that the robes make them look and feel like penguins, Batman, and/or the Phantom of the Opera.

Robertson Davies Library: See Lower Library.

Rule of Courtesy: The unwritten law that veteran Masseyites cite whenever newbies accidentally violate it (by, for instance, starting dinner before everyone else is served, stealing newspapers from or using cell phones in the JCR, booking both TVs for the same hockey game, failing to wear a robe to dinner, or talking very, very loudly while people are trying to study in the Lower Library). Many refer to this rule; few can explain what it actually is.

Senior Fellow: A Masseyite who is some sort of professor and/or eminent personage. Some Senior Fellowships are temporary and some permanent. Senior Fellows can be recognised by their impressively stripy gowns and their habit of asking Junior Fellows about their dissertations.

Snuff: A noxious substance snorted up one's nostrils after High Table and expectorated into the nearest toilet shortly thereafter.

Summer Rentals Coordinator: The hapless Junior Fellow who spends the summer renting out the College's vacant rooms to non-Masseyites. The summer rentals coordinator often goes mad by late June, though s/he generally does not start publicly banging his/her head against walls until early August.

Summer Resident: A non-Masseyite who rents a room at the College between May and August. Some summer residents are fun to be around and fit nicely into the community, some keep themselves politely to themselves, and some are evil demons from Hell who terrorise the Junior Fellowship in general and the summer rentals coordinator in particular. Memorable summer residents are granted nicknames by the Fellowship.

Superintendent: The staff member in charge of lifting heavy stuff, fixing broken radiators, and, for some reason, ordering kegs for College parties.

Surprise: A menu listing pertaining (most commonly) to informal Saturday or summer weekday dinners. When they see a "surprise" listing, Masseyites know to expect the following: at least three excellent meat options (generally beef, pork, chicken, lamb, salmon, or turkey), potatoes and/or rice, peas and/or carrots, and a small, miserable, droopy vegetarian dish that may or may not resemble cheese tortellini in tomato sauce.

Tea Hut: The spring variant of Coffee House, typically held in March. It differs slightly from its November counterpart in that it incorporates an art show in the JCR. However, the usual talent demonstrations and free beer are also in evidence.

UL: See Upper Library.

Upper Library (UL): The library on Massey's main floor. It is called the Upper Library because it is above the Lower Library; otherwise, there isn't all that much about it that is Upper.

Winter Ball: A themed event, once held in December but moved to February a few years ago, at which Junior Fellows dress up in froofy clothes and pretend they are attending high-school prom. Much alcohol is consumed there.

When your room is freezing cold,

When your desk is lined with mould,

When your door creaks day and night,

When you haven't any light,

When your chairs are missing backs

(Well, and seats), when nails and tacks

Aren't permitted in your wall,

When there's smoke inside your Hall...

Remember

RON THOM

ARCHITECT

If you have a term you would like us to add to the lexicon, let us know.