| Deck the Halls Deck the halls with dissertations, Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la, la. Let’s delay our convocations, Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la, la. Shirk your research, which is boring, Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la, la, la; Thesis-work is worth deploring, Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la, la. Scream at every whining student, Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la, la. Claim T.A.s should not be prudent, Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la, la. Marking sends your pulse-rate higher, Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la, la, la: Throw exams into the fire, Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la, la. Weeks of glee stretch out before us, Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la, la. Screw that paper: join the chorus, Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la, la. Carpe diem: don’t forget it, Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la, la, la; Wait till next term to regret it, Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la, la. Ding, Dong, Merrily on High Ding, dong, merrily on high The dinner bell is ringing. It’s so far up in the sky, We cannot hear it singing. Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuungry we Wait here in indecision. Shall we leave the JCR? It’s thirty minutes after. People leaning on the bar Observe our plight with laughter. Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuungry we Wait here in indecision. Ding, dong, carol of the bell, Quite loud but out of hearing. We know this dilemma well: Each night it is appearing. Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuungry we Wait here in indecision. Here We Come A-Subwaying [Here We Come A-Wassailing] Here we come a-subwaying to Massey one by one; Here we come commuting. You think we’re having fun? [Refrain] Love and joy come to you, For you’ll soon be kicked out too, And we’ll laugh, and we’ll draw you into our lonely club, And we’ll draw you into our lonely club. We are not privileged residents; we beg from door to door. You listen to our whining but think it is a bore. [Refrain] So bless the Master of this place, and all the Fellows too, But heed the lowly non-res; next year that could be you. [Refrain] I’m Dreaming of a Fun Christmas [I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas] I'm dreaming of a fun Christmas, Though I'm afraid it's just a dream. I must write my thesis, For not one piece is Complete, as odd as that may seem. I'm dreaming of a fun Christmas With ev'ry page I claim is done. May your notes not weigh half a tonne, And may all your Christmases be fun. I’m Doing Research This Christmas [I’m Getting Nuttin’ for Christmas] I shirked my thesis yesterday: Somebody snitched on me. I left off taking notes to play: Somebody snitched on me. I wasted hours watching M*A*S*H, Skipped a class and spent some cash, Dumped my chapter in the trash: Somebody snitched on me. [Refrain] Oh, I'm doing research this Christmas. My whole committee is mad. I'm doing research this Christmas 'Coz my dissertation's so bad. I didn’t finish chapter two: Somebody snitched on me. Instead, I dyed my eyebrows blue: Somebody snitched on me. I built a house of grapes and limes, Dreamt up wicked, foolproof crimes, Spent a week composing rhymes: Somebody snitched on me. [Refrain] I won’t be going home this year: Somebody snitched on me. I’m spending my vacation here: Somebody snitched on me. Next year, I won’t take the bait; I’ll work hard, and that’s damn straight. I’d start now, but it’s too late: Somebody snitched on me. [Refrain] So you’d better watch out whatever you do, ‘Coz if you don’t, I’m warning you: You’ll do research this Christmas. I Saw Three Fellows [I Saw Three Ships] I saw three Fellows lurching in On Christmas day, on Christmas day. I saw three Fellows lurching in On Christmas day in the morning. And what was in these Fellows three On Christmas day, on Christmas day? And what was in these Fellows three On Christmas day in the morning? A potent mixture of booze was there On Christmas day, on Christmas day. A potent mixture of booze was there On Christmas day in the morning. I saw three Fellows lurch to bed On Christmas day, on Christmas day. I saw three Fellows lurch to bed On Christmas day in the morning. Little Toy Trays [Little Toy Trains] Little toy trays, little toy gowns, Little toy lamps all in orangey-browns, Governed by a man dressed in black and red: Master Fraser, don’t you think it’s time you were in bed? Close your eyes; Don’t believe the lies People tell out of spite. We shall swear the parties do not last all night. Dream of Little toy quads, little toy trees, Little toy ponds riffled by the breeze, Innocent and pure, as we’ve always said. Master Fraser, don’t you think it’s time you were in bed? Master Fraser, don’t you think it’s time you were in bed? Massey Bell (1) [Jingle Bells] Dashing through the quad In a frenzy born of glee, Over pavement trod By some V.I.P., Ring the tower’s bell; Try to do it right, And loudly, so we all can tell It’s twelve o’clock at night. [Refrain] Oh, Massey bell, Massey bell, ringing through the dark, Waking up the Fellowship and making Molly bark. Massey bell, Massey bell, ringing through the dark, Waking up the Fellowship and making Molly bark. Perhaps you’ve had a drink, Or two, or three, or four. Perhaps you really think The bell’s unmuted roar Will bring the Fellows by To dance about with you. Perhaps you just deserve to die: That can be managed too. [Refrain] When all are fast asleep And dream of term-time’s end, If you would make them weep And fiercely long to send You screaming to your death Through torture’s endless pain, When you’re done ringing, take a breath, Then start it up again. [Refrain] Massey Bell (2) [Silver Bells] Monday morning, bright and early, As I huddle in bed, Toasty warm in a tumble of blankets, I feel I should be relaxed, but I find I am instead Waiting, filled with stiff tension, to hear [Refrain] Massey bell, Massey bell, Ringing to call me to breakfast. Ring-a-ling, Damn that thing. What a great start to my day. Other Houses hear the bell as Just a whisper of song, But House V gets the full blast of horror. If I had a faulty heart, my Life would not last too long, For I jump every time that I hear [Refrain x2] |
Massey’s Bursar’s Taking You Down [Santa Claus is Coming to Town] I’d just got back from a lovely trip To northern Hudson Bay When I returned to Massey To spend the holiday. I called on dear old Bursar L. To see what I could see; He locked me in his office And told his plans to me. Oh, you better not spout Your usual lie. You better watch out; I’m telling you why: Massey’s Bursar’s taking you down. He’s making a list Of Fellows who let Their deadlines be missed, Then claim to forget: Massey’s Bursar’s taking you down. He sees you when you’re dining. He spots you at the bar. He watches you reclining in The Massey JCR. And he’ll haunt you until You cough up the dough. So pay the damn bill; You must, for you know Massey’s Bursar’s taking you down. Master Fraser Lost His Snuff [Good King Wenceslas] Master Fraser lost his snuff One day, without warning. Shocked to be without the stuff, He went into mourning. Brightly shone the Massey lights On the grieving Master. Worse than all his former plights Was this great disaster. “Hither, Junior Fellow, come: Never mind my crying. Who would to my snuff succumb? Do not bother lying.” “Mighty Master, I must speak: Please forgive my folly. No one here is such a sneak, Only saving Molly.” “Molly is a dog,” he cried. “Have you lost your senses?” “Years ago,” the lass replied, Scorning all pretences. “Nonetheless, I am at least Sane enough to mention That I’ve noticed that red beast Covets our pretension. To her, snuff’s symbolic of Stuffy higher learning. Thus she gives it all her love, On it casts her yearning. I would bet she’s snuffing now In a private corner. Sidle up to her somehow: No one here will warn her.” First the Master swiftly had Yonder lass committed. Then, defeated and quite sad, He sat down and knitted, Working past his need for snuff By creating booties, Sweaters, mittens, and a muff, Shirking Massey duties. To this day, he waits alone, Always, always sitting, Making gloves and giving moan, Mournful in his knitting. There’s no moral this can show; There’s no neat conclusion. Pass the snuff–good girl–and know: Life is but confusion. O Come, All Ye Froofies [O Come, All Ye Faithful] O come, all ye froofies: Come and use our College. We long for your presence in our JCR. Come and depose us Each day at 5:30. [Refrain] O come and hold your parties, O come and hold your parties, O come and hold your parties; We’ll crash them all. We long to see you. Hell, we long to be you, If only so we can use our own Common Room. Yet we would miss you If you didn’t come here. [Refrain] Prance through our foyer, Sneering at our gowns, and Displace us at lunch so you can sit with a friend. We shall forgive you For one special reason: [Refrain] Rudolph the Red-Eyed Student [Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer] Rudolph the red-eyed student Had to write a law exam. He got so tense about it That one day his head went “Bam!” All of the fledgling lawyers Sighed and lugged him to the bar; They felt that silly Rudolph'd Taken things a bit too far. But that night, a prof turned up Specially to say, “Rudolph, do not feel remorse: You have aced my Contracts course.” Then all the fledglings loved him, And they bought him ice-cream floats. Hours too late, he realised They had stolen all his notes. Silent Night Silent night, wasted night. I don’t have any light. Just today, my IKEA lamp died. When I noticed, I sat down and cried. This is a bit too much peace, This is a bit too much peace. Silent night, wasted night. I’ve got things I must write. Too bad I can see nothing but gloom By the faint gleam that lives in my room. This is a bit too much peace, This is a bit too much peace. Silent night, wasted night. I cannot win this fight. Massey “lighting” has shattered my calm. One thing’s sure: I remember Ron Thom. This is a bit too much peace, This is a bit too much peace. Toronto Wonderland [Winter Wonderland] Over the ground lies a mantle of scum, A thick salty porridge that sticks to my gum- Boots, and I’m slogging through all of this smog in the weather. Flu knows no season, flu knows no clime, Germs, they can blossom any old time, So in the open we’re coughin’ and mopin’ together. Sirens blare. Are you listening? In the glare nothing’s glistening. A hideous sight: we’re filthy tonight, Walking in Toronto Wonderland. Gone away is the smart bird. Don’t you stay! In your heart, bird, You know it’s just wrong to sing a love-song Here in this Toronto Wonderland. [1st time through:] In the city, we can lose our mittens, Drop them in the gunk about our feet, Find them in a tangle with dead kittens, Which we take home as something good to eat... Later we’ll think, “How pretty When you’re lost in this city!”, And try not to cry. You’re asking me why? Welcome to Toronto Wonderland. [2nd time through:] In the city, we can lose our mittens Somewhere in the midst of frozen slush, And, when they’re untangled from the kittens, Watch them both dissolving into mush. When it sleets, ain’t it groovy? Though it’s not quite a movie, It’s unreal enough. You’ve got to be tough Here in this Toronto Wonderland. We Wish You’d Be Pessimistic [We Wish You a Merry Christmas] We wish you’d be pessimistic, We wish you’d be pessimistic, We wish you’d be pessimistic, And without any cheer. [Refrain] We know at the Bull The glass ain’t half-full. We wish you’d be pessimistic And without any cheer. Your life’s only getting harder, Your life’s only getting harder, Your life’s only getting harder; That’s painfully clear. [Refrain] The truth is that though you fight it, The truth is that though you fight it, The truth is that though you fight it, Your end’s drawing near. [Refrain] ❄
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| The Christmas (Grad) Song [The Christmas Song] Term tests roasting on an open fire. Mark sheets banished from your life. Thesis work, when it gets really dire, Is fun to mangle with a knife. Drive away the strife That's caused by lists of books to read. Let your marking go to pot. Stay at home and indulge in some greed, And may your dissertation rot. You know that next term's on its way. It won't be good, but there's still time, so that's okay. Just make yourself believe that you're in gear To hustle through a decade's work in a year... And so I'm offering this bad advice To students. Here's what you should do: Forget your work for a bit; have a nice Merry Christmas. Yes, you. (All I Want for Christmas Is) My Thesis Done [(All I Want for Christmas Is) My Two Front Teeth] Everybody stops to laugh at me. I'm still working hard, as you can see. Yes, I know just who to blame for this catastrophe, But my one wish on Christmas Eve is plain as can be: All I want for Christmas is my thesis done, My thesis done, yes, my thesis done. Gee, if I could only get my thesis done, Then I could have a merry Christmas. It's been so long since I could say: "Sure, I'd like to drink with you on Friday." Ow. My head. I'd crawl back into bed If Christmas could be my day...! All I want for Christmas is my thesis done, My thesis done, yes, my thesis done. Gee, if I could only get my thesis done, Then I could have a merry Christmas. I'll Be Bored This Christmas [I'll Be Home For Christmas] I'll be bored this Christmas. You can count on that. Watch me sit and read a bit, Eat shortbread, and get fat. Look: no dissertation Waits beneath my tree. I'll be bored this Christmas, And that's all right with me. Remember Ron Thom [My Favourite Things] Raindrops on desktops (they turn to ice later, Then form a film upon each radiator), Weird architecture that rivals the ROM: These are some things we can blame on Ron Thom. Smoke that comes drifting to choke off the choir, Tables that tend to catch swiftly on fire, Walls that could not be destroyed by a bomb: These are some things we can blame on Ron Thom. Huddling in warm coats and gloves while we're writing, Chairs without back support, lamps without lighting, Mice so established they hold their own prom: These are some things we can blame on Ron Thom. When we feel good, When we feel calm, When we're feeling glad, We simply sit down and remember Ron Thom, And then we become...quite mad. I Heard the Bell at Eight O'Clock [I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day] I heard the bell at eight o'clock And longed to smash it with a rock. It filled my brain with wracking pain, Not peace in quad, good will to Thom. I thought, "Good lord...I went to bed At three. I wish that I were dead." But that damn thing just rang its ring: No peace in quad, good will to Thom, Till ringing, singing on its way, It caused me to acknowledge day And writhe and groan a heartfelt moan: "No peace in quad, good will to Thom!" And in despair I bowed my head. "There is no peace in quad," I said. "That bloody bell makes Massey hell, Kills peace in quad, good will to Thom." Then pealed the bell more loud and deep, Destroying any chance of sleep. My head all wrong, I rose to long For peace in quad, good will to Thom. |
I'm Beginning to Work a Lot This Christmas [It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas] I'm beginning to work a lot this Christmas. Everywhere I go, I shall lug all my books about. I'll sit the fun stuff out And study while the world fills up with snow. I'm beginning to work a lot this Christmas. I've too much to write. So the ugliest sight to see, I'm afraid, will soon be me Working Christmas night. Lawyers We Have Heard at High [Angels We Have Heard on High] Lawyers we have heard at High Table, all discussing law. In this situation, I Long to punch one in the jaw. [Refrain] Boooooooooooooring. We Wish that we were elsewhere. Boooooooooooooring. We Wish that we were elsewhere. Other people speak of Don Duties or the Master's tie. Lawyers natter on and on; Oh, dear lord, I long to die. [Refrain] Come to Massey if you dare; Chances are you'll want to stay. But if there are lawyers there, Drop your stuff and run away. [Refrain] Hark! the Massey Choir's Song [Hark! the Herald Angels Sing] Hark! the Massey choir's song Is quite slow and rather long. Hold those whole notes! Follow through! Joy: it is atonal too! Hear the singers' voices soar Through the same stuff as before. Lovely music makes you weep While the choir falls asleep. Hark! the Massey choir's song Is quite slow and rather long. Hail the great director when He forgets the words again. Well, the song's in Latin; they Can't pronounce it anyway. Sing, sopranos, full of fire! You make up near half the choir! Though we're sure you have good hearts, We can't hear the other parts. Hark! the Massey choir's song Is quite slow and rather long. For twelve hours they rehearse; Then they start the second verse. Hear them droning on and on. Oops; another alto's gone. In the end, they'll make you cry. Pity they all wish to die. It's all right; they're paid. Oh, rot... We remember now: they're not. Hark! the Massey choir's song Is quite slow and rather long. Jolly Master Fraser [Jolly Old St. Nicholas] Jolly Master Fraser, please Lean your ear this way. I'm aware you'll tell the world What I'm going to say. Christmas Gaudy's coming soon; I'll go without fail. Master, please, please, please do not Put me in your tale! You made John a rabid squirrel. Sue became a cat. None of us will soon forget Willy as a rat. Malcolm was a penguin and Jessica a cow. They all lived it down, but I Do not see quite how. When the clock is striking twelve, When you're fast asleep, I am lying wide awake. Terrified, I weep. Leave me shreds of dignity! Don't destroy my luck! I would want to die if you Wrote me as a duck. Jolly Master Fraser, please Lean your ear this way. I'm aware you'll tell the world What I'm going to say. Christmas Gaudy's coming soon. I'll go without fail. Master, please, please, please do not Put me in your tale! |